I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
