to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
