I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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