Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
