I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
