Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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