First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
