His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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