she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
