can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
