A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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