Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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