Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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