It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
