i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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