You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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