Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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