my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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