so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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