Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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