My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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