Nicole vs. Life
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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