Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
