so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
