Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No stitches, just platelets and will power
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
