apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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