That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
