I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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