Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
