I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
