my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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