Will you blow on my dice?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
