There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
