I look better un-naked...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
