Swine flu. Run for my life!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
