I'm going to jail i love you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
