I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
