New invention idea: vibrating tampons
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
