Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
