he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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