he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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