True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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