im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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