I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
