Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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