Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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