matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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