I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
