Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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