remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
