worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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