handjob tips. give me some.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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