Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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