I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
