Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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