Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
