Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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