I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
