Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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